Beneath Your Beautiful

Today, I studied a question with 3 sub-questions for my accounting, and it took me from 1pm til 7pm to understand all of it. Just one bloody question. I’m so scared what if I fail this exam again. And the fact there is no one to guide me or teach me again. The teacher that taught me this sucks, and class is only 3 hours from march til june, the funny part is the exam was in november, so from july til oct there was no class for that anymore since he have covered all the chapters, and then I failed, also there was no LAST revision class before the exam just to revise. Then one year later, Im going to take the exam again. But since Im working now, I can’t attend the class since its only in the afternoon. Then I have to go self study. I tried so hard to forget that fucking day when I took the exam, I so wanted to cry on the 3rd hour, because I can’t bloody answer the 4th question because I didnt study that. And the other 3 questions Im not even sure that my answers were all correct, and that bloody classroom where I had to sit the exam, it was so fucking cold, and I was the only one left with 45 minutes to go and the room was so bloody quiet all you can hear is the sound of the aircon, eerily quiet. I just, I couldn’t even. remotely, shit!! Why didn’t I just pass the fucking test in the 1st place? I have to take this exam or I wont have the certificate that I have graduated in this fucking course. And my dad will kill me, LITERALLY! 

They don’t even get it how hard it is. Fuck, I dont get it, I have been studying accounting for the last 5 years, and every year I think there is always always a new stuff to learn, a new formula, a new method to fucking learn. and I still don’t get it. I mean, shit, 5 years of this. Im not even good at accounting. shit shit shit! 

Lord I know I need to be positive, I just, I need your help. and I know I need to help myself too, I need to study no matter what it takes. Im just, what if i dont understand anything at all, what if it wont get to my head? What if I can’t ask somebody to help me? What if theres no one there to help me? 

Please Lord God, let your will be done. 

How can you comfort someone you’ve known since you were five when she has all her friends now. How can you comfort her when you haven’t even seen her in the last 6 years? I’m pretty sure so many things have change. Yes you still remain to have contact with her, but the thing is it will never be the same anymore, the person that you used to know and the person now can be totally different. All I wanted was to be there for her, but how can you when a sea is separating the both of you? That no matter how technology have grown or be useful, it still won’t beat the fact that you can’t hug her and just hold her hand. How can you express that you’ll be there through some crappy words over inbox? 

But I guess I kinda grew up to fast. I’m not saying Im in that place of maturity, but also no where near of feeling young. Remember when you have reach 18 and all you are thinking about is 4 years of university. 4 years where you get to feel everything, do everything reckless and still people forgive you. I didnt get to experience that. I didn’t want to grow up so fast but I have to. There was really no choice to begin with. 

After highschool, 2 years of uncertainty. I’m thankful God answered me, he gave me certainty. But what if this certainty was never what I really wanted? What if I was just following what my parents expects me to be? I can’t even decide for myself. They’re good parents, but I guess because I never gave them a real answer as to what I really want in life after highschool they go make their decisions and make it as my own. I guess Im to blame too. 

I’m getting older but not wiser. This certainty, it scares me. I don’t think I will ever feel young again. I know I’m lucky enough, I’m really thankful for that. I just hope this feelings go away soon because if this is how God blueprint my life, I know everything will be okay. 

I just don’t want to keep on thinking I’m missing out on being a teenager, missing out the 4 years of uni. 

God is in charge I know whatever his plans are or his will, it is for the best. 

OMG! First time to leave work while the sun is still up! How awesome! And on a week day! HAHAHAHAH. Thank you God. :)

“I heard what you said. I’m not the silly romantic you think. I don’t want the heavens or the shooting stars. I don’t want gemstones or gold. I have those things already. I want… a steady hand. A kind soul. I want to fall asleep, and wake, knowing my heart is safe. I want to love, and be loved.”

What did they just do? What..

Why do i feel all the people I love right now thinks I’m either stupid or crazy. Laughing without humour.

Thank you for making me feel less alone.

Every road has it’s turns, and sometimes they take us away from our original destination, and sometimes they lead us right to where we need to be. And at the end of the road, if you can say “What a journey that was.” it’s all been worth it.

I stumbled upon this a few years ago and as you say “you constantly look for a sign and when it’s given to you and you don’t like the answer, you call it a coincidence. There are no coincidences” that was not a coincidence. I came here for a reason, and I appreciate your words. It was my own little “secret” escape.

“And when I’m far from home and I feel like an alien, trust me, somehow I never left you.” Thank you for being there.

All I can say is thank you for writing, and Jon thanks for taking the photos.

I’m a soldier in Afghanistan and when I found you, you made sand seem like sunshine. I am not only miles away from home, but heartbroken as well. And you whispered to me all of your secrets and I realized they were the same as mine.

Thank you for all these beautiful pieces of your life you decided to share with us. I’ll keep this blog in my RSS feed in case you come back, I’ll be right here.

Good Luck with everything, you know we’ll be keeping our eye out for your name.

“Being gifted doesn’t mean you have been given something. It means, you have something to give.”
~You

Pleasefindyourwayback <3

do me a favor, though.
do not stop writing.
do not quit writing for me. even if i never read it, ill know.
even if you dont come back here, to us, we will be here. waiting. missing you.
i love you, we all love you.
keep helping the world, one person at a time.

Even the thought of you going away is sad, you are also courageous in doing so. Only brave people leave to seek another adventure life has to offer them. The ending of something will sprout on a new beginning and I hope you find what you want to do and I hope I/we can still find you.

All of the love in the universe.

Go if you must, but don’t close the door, or turn off the light…
For you see, I just now found you, as you were walking out the door…
..and I desperately need to read what you wrote for me.
There are so many more behind me too. Don’t worry, I’ll hold the door for them. You be on your way.

No need to apologize.
We all have to move on.
Choose our own paths.
To better ourselves.

You genuinely deserve all forms of success in all paths you take. I do hope you come back to this blog one day. But for now, I have hundreds of entries to pour over and feel so deeply. Thank you. Thank you so much.