I miss affection. It didn’t bother before.. Back when i was a kid or when I was in High School. But now, I crave for it Im hungry as I can say it. haha.
I don’t know. Just small gesture from a stranger and I just wanna break down and cry and just hug them.
Maybe because, all I have dealt with for the last 10 months is the people hating, criticizing, shallow, bitch, asshole, know it all, think only about themselves, angry shit people.
So just one act of kindness, I just want to break down, or stare at them forever like they did something so different and unique that its my first time seeing people like that.
Im sad all the time now. And I hate this feeling. Of suffocation, torture, toxic, loneliness. and all other things.
I can’t even show or tell my family what Im going through because they just dont understand. And I crave for their affection as well.
I feel so drained out all the time. I don’t even want to make an effort.. I just want to cry all the time.. Im tireder than tired.
Im so upset about myself. I used to be so full of… positivity. But right now, its like one by one my light switch just turns off.
I lied. I’m not Okay..
Life: What happened to you?
Me: Life. Life happened.
Owh right. I just watched Catching fire yesterday! It was so good! Shit. I should read the BOOK again even though I have read it few months back. The second book is my absolute fave on the whole trilogy!
I mean. The movie is just awesome. Scene after scene is pure thrill! Like shucks.
Everytime they turned a book into a movie, I get all bitter and upset how its not fucking like exact in the book. But this, I mean. genius! Standing ovation on the cast, the crew and fucking everyone most especially Suzanne collins! Bless you all!
HAHA. I’m so bored. But I am so not complaining because shit tomorrow is shit another day for the bosses to shit with us and the fucking other customers and people who loves to annoy and shit i hate them.
I have never ever felt this hate towards everybody around me. Like shit I want to fucking take off my eyeballs and just not stare at them. Like shit, they fucking want me to hate them
And shit, while Im typing this, Manny Pacquiao just won again! Bravo, because his last fight was such whoops.
I have never said this much bad words when I was in highschool. As much as possible, I avoid, like its a disease or something the bad words. But now, shit I say with every sentence that comes out of my mouth.
I’m waiting. Nope, I’m dreading next week and the week after and the month after and the year after. That’s how bitter I can be..
I’m opening my work’s email on a SUNDAY because I want to torture myself. Great! Just great. Lets torture ourselves some more.
20 places that don’t look real (Part 2)
11.Mount Roraima-South america
14.Solar du Uyuni-Bolivia
17.Tunnel of love-Ukraine
18.Wisteria flower tunnel-Japan
19.Zhangye Danxia landform-China
20.Zhangya Danxia Landfrom 2-China
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! SHITS SHITS SHITS. This got me more bitter today than ever. Fuck. Le me see those place PLEASEEEE
"No performance is a perfect performance but some performances allow for the feeling of perfection. Achieving this moment of ecstasy easily validates all the pain and struggle of the art form by taking us, and possibly our audience, for a moment to a world beyond our own."
ugh, that feeling. Would love to feel some of those..
I’m so bitter! Oh my Goodness! ugh. sighs. ugh. sighs. ugh.
A Year Older but Not any Wiser.
I have made peace with myself that my age will never be again number-teen anymore. HAHAHA~
But I still do want a balloon and ice cream cake.
I have always wondered how we reach to this point and just realise you are actually straddling the line between past and present. I have also made peace (well, I think so anyway) that I’ve got a job at 19 and now I’m 20, it doesn’t seem so bad that I have a job. Make sense?
And the fact that this year is coming to an end. Say hello to 2014. I cant believe it’s almost the end of the year. I don’t even know how I survived this year (+ another month and half)
It’s just that, the first couple of months have been so hard, it’s almost unbearable. With getting a job, to realising that people can be unforgiving, that there are alot of angry people in this world, shallow people, and people who would bring you down to the very bottom of the deep sea.
And you kinda grab people who are near you just holding on to them tightly that you might drown if you let go and find yourself in the very cruel real world.
But the thing is, you gotta keep on walking, just keep on going forward even though the people you needed the most, expected to be there, weren’t.
You learn a thing or two, and slowly you realise, they’ve let go of you. What a disappointment. You wonder, why are you still holding on to air that they have once occupied?
Those 10 months, I question myself, not just the way I have handled myself in the real world but also ask who will stay with me to mourn my life, in a pathetic-kinda-cheesy-but-still-not-so-bad way.
The fact that they have seen me in the worst way possible, but still stuck around. Because yep, life and people can be a real bitch.
And I just never expected that the people who “are crazy enough” to stay with me those 10 months til today are the ones who I thought would not stay and will just give up on me.
And the ones you have expected, well..
I’m still scared on what 2014 would be. Future is a scary place. I might not survive anymore. HAHAHA. But at least I know this will be my routine for awhile. Work-Home-Work. And work some more.. I think I can do this. I survived the first 10 months of 2013 right?
All of these, besides people who have stuck around with me. I wont be able to handle any of this if it wasn’t for GOD. Those months that I was so close to giving up on me. God was there. The one that I am most thankful for is you, God. So Thank you, Lord God, you always seem to know when to comfort me and bless me with everything that is to be thankful for. And challenge me when you know I am able to get pass it and walk in victory. I love you and Thank you.
Ready to be more evolve? :)
What do you when you always end up back to square 1?
Do people have to experience near death to actually appreciate the precious minutes they have?
Has it always made people feel better about themselves when they dragged people down with them?
What is the point of you and I?
Do you think people actually learn from their previous actions or are they always bound to create that same mistake not once or twice but several times?
Do we ever remember?
Why is it that people who were treated badly by other people are bound to make the same mistake by treating the people that is surrounding him/her that exact same way, treating as badly?
When exactly do you know when to let go?
Will you ever stop loving someone?
Okay, so I know now what I want for my birthday. Isnt it like a fact once people reach the age of 18 or 21, they welcome adulthood by drinking and going to clubs and partying and all that shit.
I freaking want to welcome me being 20 by acting somewhat childish, foolish, or whatever you call it. I mean people look forward to being an adult when they reach this age. And I still feel like I need more time to feel young! I just want to feel young.
So for my birthday, I freaking want a INFLATABLE BOUNCER. YEP THATS RIGHT! A FREAKING ONE BIG HUGE GIANT BOUNCER THAT COSTS ABOUT $200 ON RENT.
AND BALLOONS AND ICE CREAM CAKE.
I can’t believe that I havent got ice cream cake since forever. I have been wanting ice cream cake for my birthday since I was Year 10. But it never happens. But this year, I will freaking make sure of it. !!!!!!!
But yeah, the thing is I dont know if the Bouncer thing will happen ever. Still hoping anyway. hahahahaa
I have less than 30 days before I turn 20 and I just want to do something really, I dont know… Young??
At 19, I have a job, a serious job and I just. want to do something really fun.
I want unicorns, butterflies, balloons on my birthday or days before my birthday.
I want to run around. Play hide and seek. Or anything just anything that I did before when I was kid or something.
I want cone hats, glitters and probably a dress as well. HAAHAHA.
These are my last days of being a teenager. Before I really own up to my responsibilities.
I mean, for the past 9 Months I have been beaten down, finally get to taste the real world and actually pop the oblivion bubble I was living in.
Encountered really discouraging and angry people. Surrounded on a toxic place.
I just.. you know. I dont know. I just want to feel something, anything.
Not what I feeling right now, like so burned out, so tired, so numb about everything.
I want to feel Life. Life that God gave us..
The reason why I hate technology! It has its perks. But still dnt like technology.
I mean how can you comfort someone in a virtual way. Facing the computer or smart phone. Dnt you want closeness, that you can hug them. You cant even. I mean, my closest friend, the person who I grew up with dreaming things, when we grow up, her dad died, and im ocean’s apart from her. All i can give her are words, through the internet which sounds not even remotely comforting.
And now, my other friend, his brother got stabbed in the philippines and took his iphone. I mean fuck. You would stabbed someone just to rob him an iphone. Where is the sense in all that. I can’t even comfort him properly because I dont even fucking know how to drive and just go to him right now. Cant even properly comfort him ytd night when he said he’s crying.
Sighs. I feel so inadequate, most of the time. No all the time. I can’t even…
In less than 3 weeks or so, you’ll be on the other side of the world. You and I will be separated by seas and continents. Though I find it sad and depressing. I am happy for you. Kinda envious as well. Maybe because you can start anew. A new surrounding, a new air to breath, a fresh start. I know you have always been wanting that, ever since form 1 or 2. You just wanted out. And now you will get it. I wish me too…
I miss you so much. But I won’t be holding you back anymore. I was really upset and mad at you not talking to me anymore. But I guess you are doing the clean sweep, and I was the first one you had to let go.
What saddens me is I will be stuck here. Without you anymore. I know God plans something more me too I just, have to hold on right?
Please do not forget me. You can forget anything else, even our memories together. But I hope you won’t forget my name the least.